i_love_my_jesus

so this is Christmas...

Sat, 23 Dec 2006 23:24:10 GMT

Christmas time? What? Are we serious? I feel like it's just another break. Maybe it's the lack of cold weather or something...but it does not feel like Christmas.
I don't even really care about the material aspects of Christmas this year which is really unusual for me. I don't care what i recieve from my parents/friends. A hug or a phone call would be amazing to me, more than a material gift. Maybe it's because I've grown closer to God and I care so much about the birthday of Jesus, or maybe it's because i'm "home" for a break. whooknowwws.
break has been amazing so far. it's so different than the last few breaks from school we have had. maybe it really did take those other breaks to make me realize certain things. i love my friends here at home so much. and i could never ever be without them.

i hope everyone is having a fabulous break! and soaking in the non-stress month of the year

i love you all, madly.

Happy Birthday Jesus.
Thank You!

Becklyn.

Sat, 09 Dec 2006 15:59:10 GMT

I'm meddling in God's will. I'm changing what He wants and making it to better fit me. And that's wrong. I realized that this past week. Sometimes I feel like I can do so incredibly much on my own and it takes a slap in the face for me to come back to reality and see that I need God more now than ever. And, I need the people God wrote into my life more than I put on.
This next week, on Wednesday, I head home for almost a month. I'm not sure I'm completely ready to give up all the freedom I have here to live under my parent's rules again, but I am definitely ready to be home...for a week or so. I have a feeling it will be hard for me. It has been the past two times I've been home. I don't enjoy being home as much as I enjoy being at school, but this time will be different. I'm going home for my family and friends. I'm going to spend time everyday with my little brother. I'm going to have some serious talks with my mom. I'm going to drive Chris all over town to his friends houses since Mom won't do it. I'm going to sit by the fire with my Dad. I'm going to drink coffee in dilworth with three amazing people.
We had our first big snow up here this past week! IT started coming down on Thursday and it came down forever! God is goood. Anyways, I've had a great time sledding with and without sleds. I know I'll eventually get sick of having to walk to class in the snow and ice, but for the time being, I'm pretty excited about me. Last night, no one wanted to go out except for Kari and I... so we grabbed her sled, bundled up and headed out. We went to this huge hill between my dorm and the music building. The day before, it had been covered with snow, but since the temperatures had reached 35 ish over the day,part of the snow had melted. But, we decided that we could be daredevils and go down the hill on our butts without snow on the ground because the hill was so steep. We found some cardboard and decided to try it out and it worked amazingly well. We went down the hills about 30 times. I almost sledded into a giant pole and was two feeet from the brick wall, and Kari just bailed on about every single run. We found a hill that had more snow than the others and grabbed Kari's green sled and began to go down the hill. We both leaned to the right because we were really close to hitting the music building. We were able to pass the music building and we were pretty excited. We forgot that there was a huge drainage ditch thing in the middle of the hill right where we were headed. You know those things that you hit when you're driving on the road, they are like raised metal circles that cover suage or something? yeah that's what it was except there was a huge HOLE with that circle in the middle. I don't remember hitting it, and neither does Kari, but our butts/backs will definitely tell you we hit it hard. Kari was in the front and bottomed out in the hole and I'm not sure if she flew off or not, and I was in the back so i landed flat into the hole and then flew down the rest of the hill. I got the breath knocked out of me...so I was trying to catch it back. There were people at the top of the hill yelling down to us to see if we were okay...she told them yes. Then, we had to try to get back up. If it was proper, i would take a picture of my back/ butt/side bruised and put it on here..but it's not so you'll just have to imagine it. Anyways, we're idiots and pretty much going to be in pain for the next few days.
yay what an exciting snow story

we have a Football game today- third round of playoffs!
so I'm going to go get ready!!

<3 becklyn.

Mon, 13 Nov 2006 13:37:08 GMT

is it possible to feel so great and awful at the same time?

blahh.

mmm woww

Fri, 10 Nov 2006 04:38:10 GMT

God is so incredible. I've never felt as comfortable as I do right now. Gospel choir is my motivation, and singing is my favorite. I've started to really enjoy silent worship too. I never thought I could ever feel God, like actually feel His presence, but I believe it now. I love where I am right now. I love my friends, I love my God, I love my family. My family is coming up...including my two little brothers! I'm so excited.
Some things in life are still getting the best of me, but I really feel like no matter what comes at me, I can handle it with God. Seriously, God is in Boone..and He's ministering like crazy. I think this is the first time I've truly put God first..and everything is working out because of that. Wow. Every Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday I'm in awe of how He moves people at Appalachian. Carly was right when she said that Appalachian fosters some incredible Christians.
For a while, I felt lost here at App because some of my closest friends aren't here. But, you know what, that's okay..that's actually more than okay because God has blessed me with some incredible Christians here. I'm so excited for what's to come.
I love everything about my friendships right now. I feel so safe and loved. It's really wonderful. I never thought it could be this incredible...but I guess I was just doubting God and His amazing power.

Have a great safe weekend

In Christ,
Becklyn

Mon, 30 Oct 2006 21:08:38 GMT

I'm sad. I miss them so much. I miss our talks at lunch about what kind of apples we like and don't like. I swear, we had the same conversation almost everyday. I miss the comforting feeling knowing that we would be together after school, sitting on a little gold Saturn passing the time away. I miss junior year: chemistry. we were so close. and that class was incredible. i miss soccer. and who would've guessed we would be in the same world history class, sophomore year. i miss the notes in the mornings and the locker. most of all, i miss the hugs.

i can't wait until november 17th.

Don't Be Sad 'Cause Your Sun Is Down

Don't be sad 'cause your sun is down, you can rise above it.
Don't be sad 'cause you're on your own, you have to learn to love it.
Don't be sad 'cause your sun is down, you're gonna find your way.
Don't be sad 'cause your day is done, there's another day, everyday,
everyday I wake up just the same, waiting for something new.
Every night I have myself to blame for the dreams that haven't come true.
But especially today I'm feeling blue.

Don't be sad 'cause your son is down, little mama he's bound to feel it.
Don't be sad 'cause your boy is blue, it wouldn't do to conceal it from you.
Don't be sad 'cause your sun is down, the night doesn't need your sorrow.
Don't be sad 'cause the light is gone, just keep your mind on tomorrow and carry on.
Everyday I wake up just the same, waiting for something new.
Every night I have myself to blame for the dreams that haven't come true.
But especially today I'm feeling blue.

Sun, 22 Oct 2006 02:48:07 GMT

what's my problem?

i have the most amazing parents and little brothers.
i love my college
i have the best friends in the world

but..i push them away.
why do i do it?
why?

i feel so lost. i have my faith, but i feel like a hypocrite when i try to tell others about it...maybe because i'm not exactly standing solid right now. or maybe because i'm scared.

i don't know... but prayers would be great right now.
thanks.

<3 becklyn.

Tue, 17 Oct 2006 18:27:51 GMT

i have not updated this in a while.
tomorrow is the beginning of fall break
Sean keeps asking my mom when I'm coming home, even though I was home two days ago. :)
This past weekend was incredible, and awful. I've never felt as sick, but I felt really comfortable with certain things.
Whateverrr.

I'm really excited for fall break.
I get to spend (hopefully) lots of time with my bestfriend.
I get a break from App and school work.
I get to order another hazelnut bliss...God is good.

I need to go practice, I have my first lesson in over two months on Friday..eeek.

Good luck on midterms.

please promise me you'll never leave.

Mon, 25 Sep 2006 02:03:29 GMT

I really like these lyrics. And this song. and the band..Sister Hazel.
i miss my family. and i miss my bestfriend.
have a great week.

"Starfish"

I saw a starfish on the ground
He was half buried in the sand
Just so out of place and ahh
He was a long, long way from home

I was a long, long way from home
And so we talked a little while
Then I shook his hands....and I
I was a long, long way from home

And everything is wonderful
When everything's alright so alright
There we were
One less star tonight

Na na na na na na na
Na na na na na na
[Repeat]

We thought a better place to go
Might be the top of purple mountains
So close to outer space....and ahh
We were a long, long way from home

We'd bring some records and a game
Might take a walk or read a book
But it's not the same....no ahh
We're still a long long way from home
[Chorus]

I saw a starfish on the ground
Oh, he was still buried in the sand
Now he's not so all alone
And he's finally going home
So I smiled and I shook his hands....and we were singin'

Na na na na na na na
Na na na na na na
[Repeat]

There we were one less star tonight
There we were one more star tonight

i pray your head is filled with dreams

Thu, 21 Sep 2006 05:13:43 GMT

SOO I'm heading home tomorrow...yes tomorrow. YAY! I'm so excited and ready to gooo. I miss my family and friends back home so much.
This week has beeen rough. My mouth isn't healing correctly, I got the stomach virus and I might have a stomach ulcer. yuck.
I would not have made it past sunday night had it not been for my bestfriend. She's probably not reading this...but if you are..thanks, love. you're incredible. and i can't WAIT to see you FALL BREAK!!
Other news:
I get to go to the football game this friday and i get to take a lovely lovely SARA HENDERY with me!
and...i get to see EVE WALLWORK! H:OH? HER:O LNS:DLKN FSOOOOO EXCIIITEEEED.
and i have a world civilization test on friday before i get to have fun. booo.

i just got back from a club..and it was a lot of fun. too many guys danced on me though. yuck. and i smelled like smoke and beer when i got back. really gross.
also..i have capital E's on my left and right hands..from the club. i have no idea what is stands for ...anyone want to enlighten me?

mkay, my roomate's sick and in bed. so i'm off to do quiet time and then study. then sleep?

i love you all
and i'm coming home SOOON!

<3 Becklyn!

Sun, 10 Sep 2006 20:31:35 GMT

I love it here.
Sure, there have been days where I thought I would rather be somewhere else, mainly to be at another school because I was missing a friend, but I do love it here.
I love the friend's I've made...
and I have found a church that I love.
FINALLY.
I lalalala looove it!

Here's a picture of "the gang" at our first HOME football game!!!

love it.

now, back to studying!!!!!
ahhhh

love you!

Tue, 29 Aug 2006 18:33:11 GMT

college life.
amazing/stressful/weird/wonderful/new
i love it.
i have made friends with a group of amazing christians. i absolutely love hanging out with them.
i'm also blessed to be able to hang out with people from Butler. :)
Our first week came and went, now we're on week two.
My birthday came and flew by.
But all the while, it's amazing how so many things stay the same.
there's always that person that you look forward to calling or IM ing..even if they are hundreds of miles away.
there's always that person that you don't know where your relationship stands.
there's always a family at home.

college isn't really that hard. the work's not as difficult as i had expected. there is just SO much of it.
i feel like i have no life..and it's only the second week! haha.
i love making new friends. i love visiting people in my dorm. :)

okay...enough procrastinating...
i need to finish my papers and reading those oh so dull textbooks.

i miss you...so call me.

have an absolutely amazing week. and weekend.
I'm coming home...to get my wisdom teeth taken out.

Sun, 13 Aug 2006 18:17:33 GMT

Today was my last day at church for a few weeks.
Joanne, the music director's wife, started bawling when we said goodbye. And she gave me a present. which i don't deserve, because I wasn't always the kindest to her.
Then, my sunday school teacher from this year met me at the atrium and gave me a present. it's a cute luggage bag that has an attachable cosmetic bag, too. it's really cute.
i come home, and my mom has decorated the house with balloons and birthday stuff. my birthday is august 26th, but since i'm packing the next two days and i'll be gone for my birthday...they decided to do it now.
i guess i'll open those presents later.

i said goodbye to Mr. Pusser today. he tried to make it light. and i was talking to other people at the same time. I think I'm going to miss him the most out of my highschool experience. I'll miss the comfort level of sleeping on his couch while he "graded" papers. I'm going to miss being a leader...a leader that he picked because he saw something in me. I'll miss his laugh and his serious face. Most of all, I'm going to miss his positive effect on me. i think his sarcasm has something to do with this.

tonight i get to hang out with three amazing kids.
the originaldilworthcrew.
molly*jen*paul*me.
cherry*wizard*lizard*

wow.

Fri, 11 Aug 2006 15:24:50 GMT

today is friday. i leave on wednesday.
i have no plans today except my last day of work from 3-10...gross.
saturday- i have to work the panthers game from 2ish until 1 in the morning
sunday- last sunday school and church service for a few months, home to PACK??!, hopefully hanging out with molly, jen, paul
monday- i have to go to the dentist. if not, i'll be in ridiculous pain for the next 3 months. alksdnf;o iawen kmnd;asfk
maybe hanging out if that works out. and PACKING? gah. oh yeah, supposed to have church kids over to swim..when? i dont know.
tuesday- some dinner with parents...? and packing like crazy. then saying all those postponed goodbyes? dang.
wednesday- my new life begins.

good Lord.

i'm scared. scared shitless.

alright tell me what you REALLY think...

Thu, 03 Aug 2006 20:50:58 GMT

just five minutes ago..my mother informed me that i have weird friends, in reference to two of my friends that mean more than the world to me. these two people have literally changed my life forever..and she can only tell me that they are weird.

lovely.

fourteen days.

Wed, 02 Aug 2006 18:23:26 GMT

summer's almost over.
and it's not quite what i would have wanted it to be.
i got a chance to go to the beach which in itself was amazing. but then i screwed it up and it wasn't as great as it could have been.
i've made my home situation, awful. well i guess one good thing for me at least is that patrick's officially been gone 2 and a half weeks. that's a new record for him. my parents hate me, i'm convinced. and they have no hope for Chris. and i can't even imagine what they'll say Sean is goin to grow up to be.
i'm excited to start school and scared to death, for various reasons.
i miss feeling confident in myself, in my faith, in my family.
i feel really needy. but maybe that's a good thing. maybe i've finally decided that i can't keep everything bottled up inside.

i'm going to burst.

but first i'm going to go take a nap.

i hope your summer has been way better than expected.

becklyn.

Sun, 30 Jul 2006 02:15:35 GMT

struggling to stay postive.

nineteen days until i leave.

Wed, 26 Jul 2006 02:47:25 GMT

i really wish i could sleep. i think it'd make so many things much easier.

but oh well..it's just as good a time as any to spend studying the word and talking to Jesus.

i just want some sleep.

i want to not get anxious about so many things. i want my stomach to stop doing acrobatics. i was watching a pretty intense movie late last night and i felt the urge to throw up..because i was anxious and uptight about the movie. i think that is a little bit over the top, but it's true and i hate it.

i was talking to my brother Chris in the car a few minutes ago.. and i told him a lot of what's going on in my life and mind. he simply told me to talk it out with people. talk to them, talk to her.

maybe.

goodnight.

upset with myself

Sun, 16 Jul 2006 00:02:08 GMT

i'm so sick of being me.
i look at pictures from yesterday and from two years ago and i dont see myself. i see someone else. someone who seems like a happy-go-lucky type of girl.
someone who soaks up her life.

not myself.

i really want to know.

is it selfish to want to know how much i mean to you?
seriously.

it's hard to believe...

Tue, 11 Jul 2006 17:45:27 GMT

we graduated 4 weeks ago..one entire month ago.

wow.

and in one month and 5 days...i leave for college.

woah.
i cant pick one word to describe what that feels like.

oh and by the way! i chipped my front tooth. yay i'm an idiot.
whateverr.

"everything has to be so complicated"

Thu, 06 Jul 2006 02:53:21 GMT

Difficult times have helped me to understand better than before, how infinitely rich and beautiful life is in every way, and that so many things that one goes worrying about are of no importance whatsoever...-- Isak Dinesen

mmm. i guess. life's...well. hard. and i guess that's the way it always will be.
always one more thing to worry and fret about.
always one thing in the day that makes you smile.
always one thing that makes you want to throw up.
always one person you worry about.

hmm. life? i guess.

bleh.

Tue, 20 Jun 2006 02:40:49 GMT

i'm sick of music. i'm sick of literally everything about music.
the joy of getting something hard after practicing
the sense of acomplishment
i'm sick of all of it. even listening to (instrumental music)

i'm so sick of life. i wish i could say that "i'm loving life" but i'm not.
even when i'm with my bestfriends. i hold back. i don't say what i need to say

i feel like i can't talk to anyone.
because
they will say i'm stupid
or that what i'm feeling is okay
thats not comforting.
it doesnt help
i'm glad YOU live in a perfect world where you're happy...but I don't. and i just hate it

i want someone to hold me. tell me it's going to be okay.
that they will be there for ever. no worries.

i conform to you. i conform to your world. i conform to the world.
i'm not me.

i wish i was that strong Christian girl who everyone looks up to....but i'm not
not even close.

so what can i do?

this is not a pity entry..because i don't deal well with pity

i just wish...it could all work. for once.

i hope you all have a good week.
i know i wont.
music camp from 845-430, woo hoo.

night.

mhm. and they all fall like a million rain falls

Sun, 18 Jun 2006 02:03:20 GMT

wow. i cant believe it's all coming so quickly. thursday and friday i was at boone for orientation. It was good. The first day was kind of ehhh...just because it was all lectures and stuff.

but the second day, we got to change our schedules and drop/add classes. i dropped all of my music classes. except for gospel choir. my mom is furious, but guess who is paying/attending appalachain..that would be me.

today i went to Raleigh for the teaching fellow orientation. let me tell you..i am SO tired of sitting in the car. but both days i've had amazing company (Alli, and my grandma at App; Lauren/her mom at Raleigh). the highlight of the teaching fellow orientation: i met my room mate!!! she's really quiet and cute. she does not drink/smoke/party. she isn't very outgoing but she likes to be with people..this really is looking good. i also met my mentor and she's so sweet.

i'm really excited about college.

but right now...i'm more excited about...

THE BEACH trip!

before i do that though..i have to survive an entire week in hell. Chamber music for teens. wow. can't wait. woo hoo. thanks mom for spending $400 for me to go when i don't want to.

whatever.

i love you.

have a good week.
<3 becklyn.

and that became the hour i first believed

Tue, 06 Jun 2006 02:38:59 GMT

wow. 6 days until graduation.

six days.

two exams left.
it's almost over.

these past few weeks have been really hard, and yet amazing. Somedays it's hard to let the encouraging triumph over the depression. Somedays it's hard to see the good in all of the crap. Most days, it's just really hard to explain why I feel the way I do.

Lately- it's been getting easier. My stomach feels better, and I'm eating (mostly) normally again. I don't know where I'd be without a few really amazing girls. All I can do is apologize for the way I am/have been, and thank you for sticking by me. You know who you are. i love you.

i have a teacher cadet exam tomorrow, partnering with Jordan. I can honestly say I'm so excited about this. It's going to be mad fun and cute. yay.

pointless..short entry..

but oh well.

I love you all.

good luck on all those exams.

<3 becklyn

i'm sorry...

Mon, 29 May 2006 02:37:50 GMT

i don't even know.
i don't know what's wrong with me.

but, i'm sorry.

Fri, 26 May 2006 02:41:39 GMT

tonight, another "ending" occured.

My final band concert. at butler high school.

my last time playing beside lauren.
my last time giving out awards, passing out letters and bars, and accepting awards.
my last time being conducted by mr. pusser.
okay that last one gets me the most.

he's been the most influential teacher i've had. ever. and i can only dream of having the impact he has had..when i teach.

things are ending. slowly..but surely. 4 more days of school left for me. then i'm done with high school. i wish i didn't have any regrets. but i do. i wish i had spent more time with the people that i now know are truly seeking His grace every second of every minute.

i'm so scared that people will forget me. hear me out- my life long dream is not to be remembered. my dream and prayer is to be successful.

in my book..success is defined as the people who know you the most, love you the best.

wow. everything is coming to a close. this is ridiculous. and amazing.

graduation=16 days.
:)
:(
:0
:/

ehhh.

i love you all.

have a wonderfully safe weekend.

<3 becky.